Not that it really matters to my life, but I wonder how people remember me in school. Did they see me as kind or crazy? Do they remember me as a good person or do they not even remember me since I was unable to go out because of my abusive parents. There were things I wish I could have done, so many people were going to parties and enjoying music and sports together. I had to go home and cook and clean. Just wonder if people realized that I was not anti-social. I was not mean, I was trying to hide a painful truth that I was being sexually, verbally  and emotionally abused and I didn't want them to know. Did you know that I wanted to have girls come over and spend the night, but the first girl that came over said my father touched her and I never asked another girl to come to my house without telling her what had been said? Needless to say, I didn't tell many girls about it so I didn't have a lot of sleepovers. Did you know that I felt stupid and ugly. I didn't NOT do the work because I was lazy or some kind or rebel. I didn't do it because I did not understand it and I could not go to my parents. I could not picture me going to the school counselor and telling them that I had trouble reading (Found out I was dyslexic) and my mother was either at work since she was the only parent that was willing to work or that I had to cook dinner and clean house first and then try to avoid my father in fear that he would send me to his brother who lived across the street from us so that he could abuse me. I had told my father who had called me a whore and said it was my fault. Since HE was the one that was supposed to protect me and care, I wasn't sure what a teacher or counselor would do or say. I couldn't risk it so I didn't tell. So I wonder what they thought about me, since it never was too much the "real" me. There were a few people that I could be myself around. The boy across the street form me was one of those people and he fell in love with me so maybe I wasn't too bad of a person. He loved me then and loves me still. I don't think I will ever really recover from what happened to me when I was young. But I lived threw it and I think I am an okay person.

Oh my goodness it got hot here. Okay, hot here in Oregon isn't the same as some  places I know. But latly we can't even seem to get a week of weather that is the same. We get two days of sun and 76* out then the next day it is pouring down rain! Which by the way does not help my arthritis. Weather changes make me hurt more. And like all households with children in it, if it rains I hear that there is nothing to do. Then after they are done doing the work I gave them so they wont have to be so board (LOL) they mope. If it is hot then I hear that it is too hot to be outside by at least one of our children. So now we add my wonderful puppy Abbie and she wants to play outside and I am sweating like I don't know what. Poor girl is panting and for some crazy reason she wants to stay out there. I kept putting off making her the home made dog biscutes that I found out were really easy to make and that she and Ashley's dog Dakota just love, and it is now way too hot, but her snakes are just about out. I have to do it no matter what tonight. Her snacks are just about out and she must have graduated top of her class in "Sad Puppy Eyes 101" because I just can't resist them! Now the kids are another story. When she was new everyone wanted her and they wanted to call her their dog, not Mama's dog. Or I hear "can we at leat call her the familt dog?" Now I hear "Mama. YOUR dog wants to go out." or "Mama can you come get YOUR dog." I knew it would happen but she still looks puppy enough that I didn't think it would happen already. This girl is all leg I swear!! Ashley's dog Dakota looks like  her could be  her brother from an earlier litter, but he is more of a tank then she is. She'll be strong, but Dakota has big leg muscles and her legs are long. He is a good looking dog too. You can't tell in the pic, but he has really pretty brown eyes.

   I am so tired of it! Like it is not bad enough that I have to live with the fact that I am disabled from a nasty accident. That I have had too many surgeries to count to try and ":fix" some major damage, that didn't do all that great of a job since I now walk around on what amounts to an always broken leg. But if I get one more look I may scream at some senior citizen!
  I understand that for a gal who was told they would never walk again and that both legs needed to be amputated to be able to recover from an accident that left me in a 5 day coma, that I look pretty darn good. Time has eased my scars and I really don't wear shorts a lot to show them any way. But structurally I am a complete mess. I am in pain 24/7. I am on heavy pain medication and because I am always worried about my legs giving out, or the muscle spasms coming at a bad time, I also suffer from a nasty anxiety problem my doctor says is typical for someone who is in as much pain as I am. I have been issued a handicapped sticker to carry in my car. I went as long as I could without the used of one, and was commended by two doctors for trying so long to ignore the pain, but I can't any more. I don't look my 40 years and I have learned to mask the limp I would normally have. I park the car and my middle daughter and boyfriend get out of the car. I take an extra minute and get out to which I look up to see an old lady stare at me, glare and shake her head. I didn't want to embarrass my daughter so I just kept walking. I understand that there are a lot of people out there that park there when they don't need to. But I do need to and it really hurts my feelings when I am stared at and passed judgment on because they have no idea how hard it is for me to take one step let along the 45 steps it will take me to walk even from that parking space to the doors of the store. I will be angry if I see a car without a sticker park there, but if I see one, I never think twince about what is wrong with the person tha is there. And the fact that I look so young does not help me either. But who should pass judgment on another? You don't know my story. You have no idea how much pain I am in. Don't judge me,  only God can do that and you are far from that. Don't think I am lazy because I am not, I do more then some other healthy people that I know. I wish happiness for others, and kindness too, can't you just wonder why someone so young and healthy looking needs to park there and leave it at that. I wouldn't do that to you, don't do it to me.